My Voice

Since I can remember I have been told a few things...

1. Don't be so loud.
2. You're too bossy.
3. Watch what you say.
4. Don't talk so much.
5. You have a big mouth.

If you haven't noticed they all have to do with my voice. Now  I am fully aware that I talk a lot and that I can be bossy. Personally it is something I struggle with daily. I don't regret much in my life but one thing I constantly find myself regretting or worrying about is what I said. So when people point it out to me or say one of the 5 things listed above I get defensive quite quickly. I have regrettably yelled at someone I love and made them cry because they told my number three. I have annoyed my family on trips and been told number one. I have been called a gossip and told number five. I have stopped talking to people because I was told number two. I have cried in anger after being told all 5. I feel like screaming when I hear these comments. People say them as if I have never notice this about myself. As if I don't constantly worry and hate this part of me. I have noticed, I do hate it and I am angry,

Did I say too much? Did I let something slip out that I either didn't mean or didn't want to say? Did I say something mean while tired? Was what I just said too bossy? Was I too loud? Did I annoy them? Did I say something I didn't mean to? Is that person mad at me over something I said? Should I not talk anymore? Was my opinion not wanted? Was what I said taken the wrong way? Does that person think bad of me now because of something I didn't mean to say? Should I have not said that?

My life is a constant battle between what my brain actually wants to say and what my big mouth blurts out. I am a person who truly loves who they are and their body. I love the parts of me that make me odd or unconventional. That being said the one thing I find myself wanting to change about myself is my voice. Not the sound of it (although I am among the many who hate how they sound on recordings.) But the volume of my voice. In both the sense of how loud I am and how much comes out of my mouth. I wish I was that person who thought over what they said before they said it. Most of the time I do really try to but than I get excited or uppity as I like to call it. Whether I'm excited, overtired, upset, angry, or any extreme emotion, my brain tells me to stop but my mouth doesn't listen. Half the time I am unaware of what I said. It won't be until the conversation is over or I'm going to bed that I will even consider how bad the things I said are. My brain is yelling "STOP! STOP!" and my mouth just won't listen. I can feel when I've said something I will regret but I just can't stop sometimes. 

That being said I do love that I'm passionate and that I'm chatty. It has both helped and hurt my life. I can be a leader because I am bossy. I can do public speaking because I am loud. I can talk to almost anyone because I don't know when to shut up. But I can also be perceived as a bitch because I am bossy. I can also be criticized and insulted because I am loud. I can be perceived as gossipy or mean because I can't shut up. 

So now you're probably thinking the same thing as I used to: "Hey Shania why don't you just talk less and be quieter? " 

 And you know what that is a really great thought and I've tried that but it lasted only until I got excited a couple of hours later. I have come to realize that it is part of my personality and it's not going anywhere. Just like some people have a bad temper, mumble or are pessimistic. I am stuck with the voice I have and I have to learn to deal with that. 

So as I am learning and working on this please forgive me for the many mistakes I will make. I will probably say the wrong thing, be too loud or not stop talking but I promise I am trying. For all those who in the past I have either hurt, annoyed or offended with my voice I apologize. I am working on it but it is really hard. Maybe someday  I will learn to embrace my voice and use it to benefit me. Maybe I won't be bossy, I'll be the boss. Maybe I'll command an audience with my words not the level of my voice. Maybe I'll ramble my way into an amazing opportunity. Maybe my voice will help my change the world but for now I'm just trying to make it through growing up with it.